Saturday, July 13, 2002

Yesterday night Laura and I were trapped in a parallel universe of oddities, bars closed on a Friday night and other sundry head-scratchers.
I had/HAVE an AOL list of places to regard, to review and a quick glance revealed that they were not only A-list joints but ones I've hardly ever... visited. So onwards we sped on what I promised would be Loser Tour 2002. And was it. First joint, closed. Said Laura, I want to check out that other bar, Aluminum. She screamed. We walked up to the yellow-shirted buzz of borderlinely functioning guys/Aluminum bouncers and the lead guy jumped off a stool and met us halfway down their walkway. Hi, I said, wearing a summer outfit best described as Brooks Brothers meets the Gap, waving my official reporter pad, we'd like to come in and review this place. The guy nearly shouted WE DON'T LET IN OUTSIDERS. I tried hard not to burst out laughing, we turned and left and then burst out laughing a few feet away. Then the next joint was closed, tumbleweeds practically flying through the parking lot. There were a few cars also parked, I went up to the doors - locked - but all sorts of lights on inside, an LCD moving display telling me that their Buds are only $2 per bottle. But no action. We sat in the lot, planning the next Loser Tour 2002 stop when a car pulled up, sort of near us. I think the two guys in the car were going to get busy smoking pot, crack or each other's you-know-whats. Is this place still open, I asked. One of the guys, said Well, it looks pretty closed to me. Onwards. Said Laura, I won't be satisfied until we sit and have a drink in a hellhole that you and I would never be caught dead in. So we stopped at an unnamed place and had a drink after I cracked a failed joke with the bartender.
Overweight bartender lady: you need a glass for the beer?
Me: (picking up my scotch and the bottle of beer, laughingly) What do we look like?, of course we don't need a glass.
OBL: whuh?
Me: No, we don't need a glass, what do we look like? aha-ha-ha.
OBL: whuh?, sort of glancing over my shoulder.
Me: NO, we don't need a glass.
OBL: Oh, you're with someone, I thought you were saying that I was supposed to see someone standing next to you and there's nobody there...
Loser Tour 2002 ended on an appropriate note and then we high-fuckin-tailed it to a bar where there may be a few losers, but they're OUR losers.

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